Hey Billy’s Mom? Can Billy Come Out and Play Records?

I used to DJ vinyl, but now I got that illy Ableton setup, Dawg. I’m talking, as many layers as you want, Sonnnnnn; effects; drum machines and synths. Now, all that’s left is figuring out where to plug in my tables!

My first decks were brand new, portable Numarks, that sucked ass as turntables, but I used them anyways to cut my teeth. Thankfully, Bug Jerome was able to give me a good deal on some Technics 1200s and I kicked down the portables to Anastasia Lotus Drops. Then, there was a house fire that ruined them, so I had to borrow Spike’s decks while he was in Japan. Then, I didn’t have working tables for a grip, beyond the usb-Ion that Turntable Einstein got me for a b-day gift, cuz he’s a darling prince. We refer to this period as “the dark time”.

Does music really sound better on wax? No.

  • Yes, sort of, I mean, in some ways, like the files that make up digital music lose data over time, so, eventually?
  • It’s more fun than clicking play on Youtube and there’s at least two speeds (33 & 45).
  • There is an assumption that if one has invested in expense record playing machinery, then they have also acquired a decent stereo (or play everything through studio monitors, like me!).
  • Any song on vinyl can be played in reverse on turntables just by manually dragging the record in the opposite direction.
  • Scratching: wiki-wiki-wik-ipedia-dia-dia-dia-dia-ohhh!!!
  • Human error, manufacturing flaws, and acts of god sometimes give birth to new universes of pure gold.

A while back, I noticed that KZAX had been storing extra decks on a high shelf, in a forgotten closet, in a storage shed, on a separate planet. I asked myself, “Could I purchase/borrow one of the extra sets of turntables?” No answer. Then, I asked Forrest, who told me to ask Katie, who said I should ask Forrest. Then, it occurred to me that I should just leave a ransom note and people would show up outside my house with pitchforks and torches if they needed them returned. So, now that I’m back on the wheels of steel, anybody wanna guess what brand they are? Numark! It has come full circle.

This is the sad part of my story, so get your tissues ready. There are only 24 hours in a day and I need to be asleep for 1/3 of them. Then, I have work and school. Then, I gotta write movies and plays and poems and lists and stuff. I’m probably in the middle of binge watching some bad sci-fi, or super hero show. I’m probably reading some spy pulp, or Western paperback (for research). I’m doing a fabulous job raising terrible children and bestowing lavish affection on my wonderful partner. What I’m getting at is the double-ended elephant dildo in the room: When do I find the time to DJ? And when I do, should I spin wax, or should I press buttons on Ableton? Old school versus the new. A conflict as old as time.

“Your Heart Don’t Stand A Chance” by Anderson.Paak versus “Thong Song” by Sisqo
Goose Pushing Buttons

“If you’re ready to make moves, then double knot your sneakers and if you’re loving this sound, send praise to the speaker!”

-DJ IDLHNDS

Published by Knowhereman

Bellingham Writer/Artist/Musician/Father/Husband/Filmmaker

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